April 2011
16 posts
The child I thought would make me the most proud...
My dad, to me, about me.
And that my friends, concludes this blog.
“I need a lock for my door so my hookers can’t get out.”
– Tanner
“I need a dickie!”
– Dad
Printer Unfriendly
Tanner: Who is printing something?
Me: Me.
Tanner: Okay, well quit, I'm going to bed.
Me: I have one more page, then I'm done.
Tanner: Okay Biscuit.
Fluid
Tay: You know how girls have, like, discharge all day?
Me: Um, yes....
Tay: Not fair. Why don't guys walk around jizzing all day?!?!?
“I’m making a mexican fiesta! Chimichanga, and toquitos. Plus the rice in...”
– Tanner
“You know how I feel about fishing? I FUCKING HATE IT.”
– Dad. (via therebutforthegraceofgodgoi)
“They said business casual. No polyester or jeans. So I should be able to just go...”
– Dad
Bread
Tay: Dad, will you make a toast at my wedding?
Dad: How much toast do you need?
“Have you ever got something spicy in your cunt? I mean cut.”
– Tanner
“Hi, I need to call in a prescription. Fifteen megagrams of Aderral….”
– Dad, calling in Tanner’s Rx.
Me: Shit, I would walk around with my left hand...
Then Tanner walks up to me and says ‘Here, have two carrots!’ and hands me….2 CARROTS.
Hacked
Me: You must've 'liked' something on Facebook because now it's posting some app to everyone's wall.
Dad: I never like anything anyone does.
March 2011
45 posts
H2O
Tay: I'm going back on my water challenge, starting tomorrow.
Mom: Starting tomorrow, I'm going on a vodka challenge.
Little Africa
Me: Okay, I'm going to class. I will be back around 3.
Dad: Have a good day.
Me: I will. I might get shot because last week I told some of the blacks to shut up.
Dad: Drive the truck then.
Unconstipational
Me: Did you poop yet?
Dad: This morning.
Me: Alright alright!
Dad: A little turd in the shape of a K.
“If I ever had to have shoulder surgery on my right shoulder, I would start...”
– Tanner
Citrus
Dad: We have lemon juice, but not limes. I wonder if it would be the same.
Mom: It's not.
Dad: It might be.
Mom: It's not.
“I sent myself a picture message. Then I got excited because I thought someone...”
– Tay
“Oh my God I keep burping garlic mashed potatoes. Not as good the second time...”
– Mom
Cracked
Me: What are you doing?
Tay: Trying to crack my elbows.
Me: I hope you punch yourself in the face.
“I thought my ear fell off! I almost died!”
– Tay
Flop
Tay: My ear popped out!
Dad: Is it on the floor?
Tay: Why would it be on the floor? When your penis pops out does it land on the floor?
Mom: Dad's does.
“You’re not going to prom with him. I will buy Bogey a tux and you can go...”
– Dad
Yeah, well, I bet he sucks at hurdles.
Me, while watching a news story about a high school wrestler with only one leg
Pulling
Tay: I want to know how magnets are made.
Me: Please don't become a doctor.
Tay: I'm not going to be a magnet doctor Katie...
Can you blink with both eyes?
Tay
Liquid Benadryl
Mom: Here, drink this.
Dad takes a drink.
Dad: What the fuck is this? Are you trying to kill me?
Mom: It's Benadryl.
Dad: It's poison. In a Benadryl bottle.
I'm just a bucket full of retard today.
Taylor
“When fish die, is it like instantly, or slow and painful? Google it.”
– Tay
College
Tay: Hey Katie, wanna do me a favor? A little research?
Me: I'm not fucking looking at colleges for you. If you can't figure out colleges, you can't go.
Tay: I just want you to Google what the fear of news is...
“I shut Bogey’s door in the tail.”
– Tanner
Rides
Tanner: Hey Katie, this is the last week you will have to pick me up from e2020.
Me: Good, you can ride the bus home.
Tanner: What?! No, in that case I have e2020. Just pick me up at 2:35.
(Pause)
Tanner: I'm a funny one.
“If the radiation gets to us, I’m just gonna kill myself. We could all just...”
– Tanner
Oh my God. I know where my Uggs are. In the box...
Tay
Bullets
Me: Someone just take me out back and shoot me.
Dad: Why? I would just shoot you on the couch, I could at least get a new couch out of it.
Mom: You won't need a new couch in jail.
Dad: Why would I be in jail?
Mom: If you shot Katie...
Dad: I'm putting the gun in your hand.
Days
Dad: It's Friday-
Tay: Uh, it's Thursday...
Dad: So what, it'll be Friday someday.
Class
Mom: Are you going to do good on the exam?
Tanner: Depends on if Google is working or not.
“I’m not even kidding, my feet smell like Cool Ranch Doritos.”
– Tanner
Whiteberry
Tay: I need a quality phone, like my Blackberry!
Dad: You're not getting your Blackberry back! I will take that Blackberry and give it to a black person!
Tay: I treated that Blackberry like it was my baby!
Dad: No you didn't! You abused it and that's why you got it taken away!
Electronics
Automated Voice: Please state the problem with your wireless device.
Dad: MY PHONE IS BROKE.
You can't tickle steel!
Tanner, about his abs
I was standing in the shower and all of a sudden...
Tay
Cough
Dad: What kind of cough medicine do I need?
Mom: An expectorant.
Me: Or....an unexpectorant!
Tay: That camping trip was in tents.
Mom: What do you want for dinner?
Taylor: I spy i'm thinking of something that rhymes with wasagna.
Mom: We're not having lasagna!
Tanner: Look at my future wife. (shows us a picture of Taylor Swift.)
Dad: NO TANNER NO. She'll write about a song about you. NO.
Tanner: Look at her here, she's hot as hell.
Dad: No, Tanner you'll end up on tumblr. Taylor always writes songs about tumblr.